|
Shiawase
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Sarah
Country: Japan
Metro: Kobe
Birthday: 10/15/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Collecting tv shows, karaoke, studying Japanese, making friends, travel, finding new and wonderful places, eating too much good food.
Expertise: Being clumzy but good intentioned.
Occupation: Administrative
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
AIM:  Shoujokitten
Member Since:
1/28/2003
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| I'm getting married in 439 days...
| | |
| So.. how has life been the last month... fricken complicated. Besides the surface of stuff of changing my job ( 1 week ago) starting my new one (next week) and moving (this week) Theres been a lot of turmoil and change in my life.
But.. emotionally as well other things are going on.
I am going to preface what about I am going to say with that I am happy so happy with my current realtionship. We're moving in together in about 8 months and we plan to get married within the next 2 years before my job here is over. We are very similar and both can't get enough of eachother. I've seen him cry and he's seen me. I can share with him things that I couldn't tell anyone else before.
However.. I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately.
Not in the whole.. I want to get back together or that now I even think we'd be that great for eachother. But he still finds his way into my thoughts a lot. And I've been dreaming about him a lot lately.. nothing too extreme just he's been there a lot. I guess its been about a year since things really "ended" and since I last saw him. He's been a part of my life for almost 8 years now so I guess it just seems weird that hes not in it anymore. I've tried to call him a couple times but for some reason.. either that he doesnt want to talk, or it just wont get through, I haven't spoken to him for almost a year as well. Since before I met Ryohei..
I'd like to tell his about whats going on with me.. but maybe it would just be too painful. We were always ok when we were apart but it was always like there was some sort of connection when we in close proximity. I realize that we werent meant to be in the end but we have so many memories some of the best of my life. I don't think you can be so emotionally involved with someone and just forget it. I wouldn't be who I am and where I am if he hadn't been supportive of me back when I was in high school. Even in University, we spent a lot of time together and I did think that it would work out.. even though I could tell that maybe it wasn't right. I didn't think that I'd ever fall in love with someone again.. so even though it seemed like things were falling apart I didn't want to let go. Even now.. I wonder if I hadn't met Ryohei who is much more compatible with me, if I'd still be harboring the feelings that no matter how hard I tried to forget, would never go away.
I do miss him. But even now I don't know what I'd say.
With Ryohei theres alot of stuff that still has to come about before we can be together. But I realized that he really is the one I want. Some of the things I love about him...
2-3 weeks ago when he came to visit Kobe.. we bought some handheld fireworks and let them in the park near my house. He was so careful and made sure we brought water and put all the fireworks back into the bag and outside of the house.. with the bottle of water next to them.
When I get (fake/or semi-real) mad he always trys to complacate me by using sweets.. and it usually works.
He's cried in front of me, and not just a single tear, but body racking sobs.
He always makes sure that I'm standing on his inside away from cars and other things when we are walking.
Whenever I try to run or turn away he always grabs me and doesn't let me go.
He'll eat my tomatos and I'll eat his carrots and eggplant.
Ok... well enough of this...
Its late time for bed.. I just wanted to get all of this off my chest.
| | |
| Well.... I'd say the last week has been one of the most difficult ever..
But a lot.. and I mean a lot of things has happen. The whole situation I meantioned previously with Ryohei came to a head and there was a lot of crying and confusion and worrying.. (from both of us)
But he finally came to the decision that after this year in Tokyo he is going to quit his job and move back to Kobe to be with me.
He wants to be a koumuin (civil servant) because although they have less pay (on average) than like a salary man they have much more vacation time and there is a lot less overtime so he'd be able to be with me more once he got a job. However to become a koumuin you have to take a very hard exam (whats with Japan and all their tests?!) so he has to go back to specialty school for a year here in Kobe and then take the exam after that.
By that time I will be done with my 3 year contract as a JET and we will move to Niigata where he will hopefully get a job with the Niigata local government and I will do either translation or English depending on what I can find. Once we've both gotten things settled job wise we plan to get married and start a family.
Yah... its been a crazy.. almost life changing week.
So now.. instead of looking at 1 1/2-2 1/2 years of ld.. its only going to be 9 months until we're back together.. since he'll be going to school full time, of course money is going to be pretty tight.. I make a decent salary but since I have to now support him its going to be a little challenging to budget.. so as a precaution I'm planning to take on a couple tutoring jobs to supplement my income.
I feel so much better now that I know where this is going.. I was so worried before and troubled that I couldn't handle the distance and the 14 hour days and the giving up my great job. I think Ryohei is a little dissapointed that things didn't work out as well with the company that he tried so hard to get into :(.. but at the same time he's also happy to be able to be close to me again and we are both looking forward to living together since it will be the first time for both of us. All in all this is a little set-back to financial security.. but in emotional security I think its going to be so much better for both parties.
I really love him and I'm going to try to do my best to support him through the first year we'll be living together. He gives me more than enough back in emotional support and love so I think that that its so great we can give this a real chance. Our relationship has had its difficulties from the begin.. but we are really starting to plan out our life together and it feels so good to be on the same page.
I've rekindled my zest for the future!! My worries are now really just work hard at my job and learn how to budget. I'm so so.. touched that I've met someone whoses willing to do all this for me. I really didn't think it was possible. Ganbaru zo!
More updates as they come | | |
| Just got back from Tokyo again last night...
I was just there for a weekend but it felt like it shouldn't be allowed to end.
It'll be 8 months since soon we got together but it still feels so strong.. and even more.
But its so hard.. everytime I see him I cry theres so much good there but theres so much that needs to be worked out before we can be together.. most of it realting to jobs and money.
I still haven't yet started out on my CIR job.. but from what I've heard its going to to be really good and useful for the future I guess.. I've thought maybe if I like it I'll end up staying just not 1 but 2 years here in Kobe for the experience and the money. Sick.. huh.. but it may be better then just going to Tokyo.. Ryohei's company are like slavedrivers.. I swear I hate Japanese business culture.
He makes about about 700 a month less than me yet he works about 14 hours a day 5 days a week and also 1 Saturday a month. He also gets no vacation time at all for his first year.. seriously no wonder people here are so unhappy.
And this is only as a first year member of the company.. right now he gets there around 8 and doesn't leave until around 9 but apparently his sempai go in around 8:45 and some don't get out until 10:00, 10:30.. I told him that I can't deal with it. I'm not going to move to Tokyo to be with someone who I'm only going to see 1-2 hours a day. I don't think I can be with him if its like that.. and I told him and he was so sad.. but as much as I love him and I want to do it I just can't.. I don't think I can sign up for living in a foriegn country the rest of my life with someone who'll I'll only get to see 6-7 days a month. Let alone thinking about having kids.. theres no way I want to raise them alone.. espicially when the pressures on being a mother in this country are so rough..
So he's promised me in three years that hes going to switch jobs.. and that hes going to try and find a less time consuming one in Tokyo or we'll move back to Niigata where he was born and he'll work there.
Thats why I'm wondering if I should just stay the distance another year longer than I was planning.. because when hes late here.. I'm doing my own thing and not noticing it as much.. but when I'm there and he's working and he emails me to say he wont be home til later it hurts so much and I end up getting so upset.. (usually cause I've made dinner.. or been alone waiting the whole day) maybe if I found a job there it wouldn't be so bad.. but the thought of being with someone who I'll get to see 2-3 hours a day (at best) 3/4s of the month while making a pretty ridiculous salary.. makes me so depressed.
Of course I want to be with him though.. as a person hes everything I've ever wanted. And he always says the things I need to hear and never judges me or gets upset with me. I would be ridiculous to break things of with someone as wonderful and loving as him.
But.. Japan makes you feel so lonely.. and I don't think I could be here forever if I had to do it without the support of my husband.. blahblah.. feels weird to say that right now seeing that we aren't even "officially" engaged...
but yah... im so frustrated.. and it makes it worse when he says things like.. "i wish we had met a year earlier before i picked this job" or other things like that.. he didnt have girlfriend when he was looking for work so he figured he would throw himself into the working world and not look back and then we met and now I think he regrets moving all the way to Tokyo for such a hard job.. and I get so frustrated too about having to stay here.. because although I want to be financially self-supported and get a lot of experience but I'm tired of being alone..
I've always felt so alone. In my paired off family (mom and dad and twin brothers) i was the only girl - first born and odd one out.. in my last serious relationship.. after the first couple years I ended most of the work to keep things together and felt like the only person was only with me because there wasnt anyone else/ it was convient for them.. and felt lonely all the time.
and now i've finally found somone who truly cares about me and wants to be with me and theres still all this physical distance.. and a truly difficult situation..
I feel like I am never ever going to win. And that I am never going to be happy.. just get close enough to feel it but never be able to get there. Its so funny.. I feel like I've always tried so hard. Now someone is trying for me.. but I don't think it will be enough.
This is so depressing.. I don't know if I can handle another year let alone 2 before I know where my life is going. | | |
| Just 9 more weeks until the end of the term.. and thus the end of my English teaching career. I'll be going to Tokyo for the recontracting conference next week + to see Ryohei..
Things have gotten a lot better and we've settled into a comfortable routine.
The first month that we were apart was so hard.. trying to get used to everything and having him work.. but to my pleasent surprise he has put a lot of effort into making our relationship work..
For example, he emails me every morning before work.. and we talk on skype everynight. I was even like.. you dont have to, I know you are busy but he still was like "no i will talk to you every night" He knows me too well.. its scary. Its going to be 7 months (together) in less than a week. I can't believe it.. espicially when we are together its like time flies. The 10 days of GW went by in what seems like a flash.. I feel like when we get married, time is going to go by so fast. I might be a granny before I know it.. ;_;
Not that its going to happen anytime in the near future.. but we've been talking about it a lot and probably between spring and fall of 2009. Maybe about a year after we move into together. We've already started at looking at what kind of place we want to move into.. its fun and makes me happy *^^*
Its funny.. I really never expected to come here and have all this happen.. but I'm really happy. I don't think I've been this happy for a very long time. I just hope that I don't love my CIR job and want to stay here another year.. but I'm afraid thats what is going to happen. haha..
Anyways.. school is great.. I really love the kids. I am going to miss them. They are so funny.
Theres quite a few young teachers so I go out with them quite a bit. Its nice to finally hang out with some people my own age.. and we get along pretty well!
Besides that is studying.. although honestly I just haven't been that into it lately.. opps..
But I know I need to if I want to get a decent job after jet... I calculated that I make about 1875 yen an hour so I'd really like to find something that pays the same if not more as that once I end up in Tokyo.. It's going to be a long road.. but I'm trying. Theres a lot of motivation when you can practically apply what you've learned almost immediately! I just hope my brain doesn't give out from over use. Oh well.. we have bad and good days! I know I do.. somedays I just can't speak Japanese and somedays I can perapera it up with the best of them.
Hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather.. its going to be rainy season soon.. yuck. | | |
|
